


All these little pride lights

by FallingSlowlyForAGirl



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Anxiety, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Gay Panic, Gay Pride, Mental Health Issues, Romance, Support
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:02:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24677371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallingSlowlyForAGirl/pseuds/FallingSlowlyForAGirl
Summary: Alex's first pride after coming out. Some fluff and reflecting while they both get ready to go to pride.Alex is of course a nervous mess with some angst but Magggie helps her through it all. The one where Alex learns that even when she has accepted her sexuality, that doesn't mean she has accepted and loved every part of herself.please see notes for warnings
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43
Collections: Secret Sanvers | A Sanvers Pride Event





	All these little pride lights

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shadowedlesbian](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=shadowedlesbian).



> Some descriptions of anxiety, I tried to keep it to the physical feeling but please mind the taggs. Also a lot of reflection for Alex and her journey to accept herself so keep that in mind.

Today was the pride parade. One of the many ones Maggie had been to but the first one for Alex. It had always been important to Maggie. All by all she had given up a lot to be able to be who she was so she made sure she never missed a chance to celebrate her sexuality. She wonders how Alex is going to experience her first pride though. For Maggie it was this huge party where everyone threw glitters at her and like five people painted rainbows on her face, arms and belly. 

For Maggie, she was fifteen and this was the first time pretty girls would dance with her and she could dance with them, party with them, without any shame. It was enthralling to meet people like her apart from all the drinks the pretty girls gave her. For the first time, it had felt like a celebration to be gay and she was so grateful her aunt had pushed her a little to go. 

But Alex, Maggie wasn’t so sure this would be as freeing for her. Maggie knew Alex never really knew how to party, how to be out with friends, to dance and be carefree. Of course she had had more than her fair share in clubs but those were all while drinking her problems away and feeling shame and sleeping with men. 

And before that, she had always been the responsible one, taking care of Kara. She had always had to be perfect and Maggie was almost certain getting drunk did not meet Eliza’s standards.

So this, partying, a fun night out, dancing with strangers, shouting gay anthems and drinking all night, made Maggie wondering how well Alex would respond to that. At once she was worried Alex would be too uncomfortable for this, that Maggie was holding her back and Alex had not had the time to become fully comfortable and aware of her sexuality because she had immediately been with Maggie. 

Maggie’s own anxiety was also deciding to nag and say that what if Alex had too much fun and found a way prettier girl who was better for Alex and also happened to think Alex was the most beautiful girl in the world.

And so yes, pride was a big deal. More than anything, Maggie was afraid Alex would get overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the parade and the gayness and well the undeniability of who she was. 

That combined with Alex not being someone who was not comfortable being close to people and had never experienced a party remotely sober. On top of Alex being a soldier and Maggie kept worrying that she was seeing some mental health issues and PTSD that she didn’t know how to address to Alex. 

All together was enough for Maggie to fear that this was gonna freak Alex out and overwhelm her and she was not sure Alex considered all these things that could upset her. It was enough for Maggie to feel this intense pressure to give Alex a good experience, a wonderful and gay experience, one where she would celebrate and only feel happy.

And so all by all, Maggie suspected Alex was still a lot less secure than she let on and had a lot more struggles than she let Maggie know. Yes, she was pretty sure Alex was really proud to be able to say she had a girlfriend but Maggie was not sure Alex was proud on how far she had gotten overall. 

It didn’t feel like Alex had completely accepted herself, didn’t feel like she had faced and gotten to know herself or felt comfortable with herself entirely. Maggie saw Alex struggle a lot and hated to see that Alex still kept parts of herself hidden, even or maybe especially from herself.

Alex was on the other side of the room, getting ready for pride. It sounded weird already in her head and made her smile slightly. She was actually going to pride. She had actually come out this year. She honestly never thought she would get here. To this place. She had always felt so weird, so different, even before she got an alien as a sister. And sure, it could have been because of how intelligent she was or what a dork she was but it had always been more than that. 

When Maggie had told her that she related to aliens, Alex had inmediately understood. It could be an accurate description as to how she had felt her entire life. Like no one was like her, like she would always be weird and always just that little bit different that she couldn’t find the reason for. No one would ever completely understand her, nothing would ever just click. That feeling that she would never find her people because those just didn’t exist. 

And even if dating men felt so uncomfortable. Even if she always felt like she had to be smaller or diminished by them. Even if she felt they never had anything in common with her, even if they felt like they were a different species than her and she was having a hard time communicating with her. 

Even if being intimate never made her feel love. Even if that only made her feel shame and weirdness, uncomfortableness with herself and with her own body. Even if being intimate had always hurt. Even if she had had trouble having sex with men. 

Even if she had always appreciated how strong and badass women could be. How pretty a girl could be in her bikini if she went surfing with her dad. Even if she had felt like Vicki was her whole world as she was the only person at the time Alex felt completely comfortable with.

Even if she could admit to herself, looking back at it now, that she had longed for a softer kind of sex than men were giving her, a different kind of sex than she was getting then. Even if she never felt more out of place than with boys or men later flirting with her or in a sexual scene, she never thought she would actually be gay. 

She just thought she was broken and weird. She thought she could never live up to Kara, who had always been very well loved. And well boys had said to love Alex, but they had never been able to show it to her in the right way, to make her feel it back. So she just thought she could try as hard as possible to be good enough to be normal, but this was biology, she couldn’t hide it or try harder if she wasn’t built for this. 

She thought she was messed up… she never thought there could be another reason. Never thought that she could have been feeling other things. And she had pushed it down, she had buried it so deep that she honestly never thought that she would actually get to this place where she would be able to actually not only acknowledge but also voice who she is.

And honestly, with the kind of battle it has been, she is not surprised people delicate an entire parade and holiday to this, now that she has actually has come through.

And then there had been Maggie. Maggie who had basically rocked her world. Maggie who had just with a joke, made her face all the things about herself she had buried so deep. Things she didn’t even realize. She had been so real with Alex and Alex was not used to being called out on her emotional bullshit. And it had sent Alex spiraling. Questioning who she was, and who she liked. Made her think about herself as a sexual being, something she had never done. 

But also made Alex feel vulnerable and stupid and like a stranger to herself and just so confused… all at the same time. Those had been months full of self doubt and fear. The fear of getting the words out, the fear of accepting or only thinking about whether there had been some truth to Maggie's words about her.

So many times she had been struggeling to find the words, to be actually be able to say them. And then the fear, of losing people she cared about, of not being good enough. The spiraling and self doubt and loneliness had really seemed endless and Alex still can’t believe sometimes that it didn’t end in her burying it down deeper. She can’t believe she got through.

It wasn’t weird though, Alex thought. It was actually the only thing that had made sense to her. As to why it took her so long. She had grown up always taking care of Kara. She always came first and what she felt or wanted always became before Alex her own. 

And that’s how she had been raised. Especially after her dad died. She always had to be okay, always had to be perfect. She can’t remember her mom ever teaching her how to talk about her feelings, how to actually communicate. Can’t remember a single time during puberty that her mom told her it mattered how she felt. 

Alex felt her mood darken at that. No wonder that she couldn’t face how she felt and who she was. She spend her entire adolescense taking care of an alien, not learning how to take care of herself or know herself as she should have. But then Alex had been a master at closing herself off, at completely focussing on Kara, also so she didn’t have to focus on herself, especially after her dad died, she recognizes that then. 

And because of all the walls she had build around her because of how she had clearly constructed herself to how she thought her mom and Kara needed her to be, it had taken her 28 years to actually think about who she was, what she wanted and what she needed and how her life had been. Something Maggie told her was apparantly very normal to do and to not feel uncomfortable about. 

But Alex did not know. Her mom never taught her, how to not be an emotional brick she thought, her slight spiral completely forgetting her growth this year. It has taken her twenty eight years to realize…..

And suddenly, it was like something tipped inside of her. Something that had been happening more and more often. A bad thought entered her mind, disturbing her and just like that, she was not proud, she was not comfortable, she just felt frozen inside of her while she tried to think positive thoughts to keep herself from spiraling completely. 

Not now, not now please she whispered to herself

pull it together, she thought, Maggie is right behind you, watching

She doesn’t need to know because it is okay. You are okay

Maggie is so excited to go to pride, she deserves the entire world to celebrate for her. Don’t ruin it for her. Don’t let your weird head ruin this. You were excited for this.

And so as it turned out… Maggie was not wrong about Alex having some insecurities and struggles with herself.

Alex stood in front of the mirror. She was frowning as she scanned over her body. She subconsciously kept tugging at her crop top. She did not feel any pride at all anymore.

And Maggie watched her as she kept tapping her clavicle, a habit Maggie knew by now, she only showed when she was feeling extremely uncomfortable.

Maggie leaned against the door and crossed her arms as she studied her girlfriend.

Alex adjusted her rainbow beanie to cover her face a little bit, but it only made her feel more stupid. She was twenty eight. A woman. A soldier and a sister. 

She defeated aliens on a daily basis but yet it had taken her twenty eight years to accept who she was. It had taken her twenty eight years to find out who she even was, something that everyone else figured out as a teenager. She had been an idiot and she felt a pinch of sharp guilt starting to creep in, for not living her life.

And yes of course Maggie noticed that, noticed the frowning and tried to soothe her. Maggie tried her best to calm her down, telling her that everyone took their own journey. Everyone takes their own path and it is okay for it to take a while to figure yourself out.

Alex however couldn’t help but think bitterly what crazy woman would take twenty eight years to know herself. What woman could not give words to how she felt. Could not even say to Maggie how she felt.

But Maggie kept talking as she didn’t see Alex’s features relax. “babe, it is easier to run away than to stay and face the truth, than to stay”. “But you did it in the end and i am so proud of you”

But she could barely hear Maggie, anxiety freezing her body.

And this wasn’t how she imagined it…. coming out, being her true authentic self, finally being able to explain why she had always felt so different than others.  
All these little lights should be shining, little lights in her head. She knew she had so many great things in her life right now. 

She knew she should be so happy. She knew she has a beautiful girlfriend, a supporting sister, mom, spacedad and friends and that was a lot more than many of the people going to pride were going to be able to say. 

She also knew, while staring at the mirror, that she was hanging too much weight on this. But yet she couldn’t help it. She couldn’t help but wonder. Why didn’t she feel it? Why didn’t see feel extremely happy. Why couldn’t she feel anything, for days now. Why couldn’t she feel anything but the overwhelming sensation to scratch her skin open, raw….

Maggie interrupted her spiraling and Alex felt a flash of shame rush through her as she realised how quickly they had been turning dark.

“Alex?” Maggie asked tentative

Alex could see the worry edging her face and she interrupts her before Maggie can tell her she is worried about her. Maggie fought so hard and had been so brave and had always been who she is, she should get to celebrate pride.

“I’m fine” she said  
Suddenly feeling like she was ruining pride for her girlfriend

She stared back at the mirror and saw Maggie raise her eyebrow. But most of all she saw how ridiculous she looked in her crop top and skirt, both made out of pride flags. And that while Maggie looked like a gay princess, wearing a white oversized tshirt that she had painted the rainbow flag on, short cut off jeans and long white socks with pride socks, her hair in a low ponytail, tied together with a scrunchy of the lesbian flag.

She suddenly felt so insecure and weird compared to Maggie, her brain starting to buzz, that she quickly started to strip her clothes and walked passed Maggie towards her closet.

“You should go meet your friends”, Alex said as she passed Maggie.

“We should”, Maggie pointed out, clearly confused.

“No”, Alex stated softly, “I’m just gonna throw on one of my hoodies and sweatpants”

Maggie stayed silent as she saw Alex frantically searching around.  
Something clicked inside of her, she silently grabbed Alex’s baggiest hoodie, the one she always wore when she was feeling bad about herself and handed it to her.

Alex looked up in surprise, her eyes finally meeting Maggie’s again.  
“How did you know I wanted this one”, she said, her voice soft and surprised.

“You always want this one when you are upset Al”, she whispered while she softly held on to her wrist, “even if you don’t tell me what has got your mood al twisted just now”

“I’m just being weird now, don’t worry about it”, Alex said dismissively

“Don’t talk about yourself like that Alex”, Maggie sounded more angry than she would have liked and the change in Alex was immediate. Maggie had to keep it together to not rub her forehead. She saw Alex change, saw the pressure inside of her increase and saw her entire demeanor become defensive.

“Don’t tell me what to do Maggie”, Alex scoffed

“just tell me what got you so stressed”, Maggie started yelling now.

“I am fine” Alex yelled back, throwing her arms in the air

“Then tell me why you don’t want to go”, Maggie threw back

“Stop pushing me” and Leave me alone” Alex yelled

And Maggie inmediately shut her mouth from what she was about to say. Alex didn’t look stubborn or angry. She looked afraid. Panicked. Her eyes wide and flying through the room, her chest going up and down quickly and Maggie seriously thought she was considering running.

“hey”, Maggie stepped forwards tentatively, trying to lock Alex’s eyes. Her voice soft and soothing.  
“I didn’t mean to sound mad. You are doing okay. It is okay to be nervous for your first pride. You are good enough. You don’t have to pretend to be fine.”

“Do you hear me Alex?”. Maggie’s eyes were piercing hers now. 

“You don’t have to hide from me, you can be honest, and not only about your sexuality”

Alex had to swallow twice, her eyes filling with tears that she was not ready to let fall yet.  
“I don’t feel comfortable”, she confessed softly.

“The pressure did not dissapear”, she added breathless before 

“Alex”, Maggie kneeled in front of her. Her voice being awfully soft, the kind of tone Alex never felt like she couldn’t listen to. A face completely with worry and without judgement. 

“yes” she started, “you are gay”

Alex looked up at her shocked with wide eyes and just stared at her. Maggie resisted the urge to sigh sadly as it didn’t go unnoticed that Alex actually automatically wanted to become defensive or had to stop herself from denying it.

“And I know you feel like it should be all magical and maybe that’s the fault of all the rainbows and unicorns the community has”, Maggie tried to joke, only getting a small twitch upwards of one side of her beautiful mouth.

“But…. everything is fine”, Alex started hesitantly

Maggie stared at her for a second before she replied softly: “I think you know what you are feeling right now isn’t okay”

Alex swallowed audibly at that and averted her eyes towards her hands which were placed on her thighs.

“Not being able to be who you are is a big part of happiness. Not being able to understand how you felt and not having anyone to help you with that has brought you a lot of pain I think. And I think you felt alone and confused and this…. knowing that you are not weird or physically broken and that there are people like you, I think it has helped you a lot”

She stopped to see Alex jerking her shoulders, tensing up. She started to fidget her hands insecurely and Maggie took it in carefully. 

She knew when Alex was keeping herself strong, when she was slightly closing herself off. And seeing Alex respond like this, seeing how Alex was so carefully trying to be casual only showed Maggie how much she was hitting a nerve for Alex and it gave her the strength to suggest what she had been wanting to talk about with Alex for a while now.

“But just because you have an entire community now, just because you were extraordinary”, 

She saw Alex wanting to protest and quickly held up a hand and continued.

“that doesn’t mean that everything is okay. It doesn’t mean that you have to feel okay. It doesn’t mean that you understand completely who you are or how you identify just because you figured out this part of your identity. It doesn’t mean you can’t still have…. issues”, Maggie stated the last word very carefully.

“ I have actually been wanting to talk to you about this for a while now. I think I am starting to really know you Alex. And that also means that I am starting to see when you struggle and what you struggle with. And I don’t mean this to cross a line. 

But I am worried…. I wonder if you even notice yourself. You are this incredible woman but you have been raised with such high expectations, you have always been thought that you had to be okay, had to be perfect. I know you told me this when you came out and it is not your fault. But I think you don’t see that you have more than a bad day and that you have bad days for no apparant reason”.

Maggie had to stop because Alex opened her mouth. Her features defensive and slightly hurt and Maggie knew this was where she was going to defend herself.

“you are overreacting, and quite frankly overstepping, I just need to work a little harder and it is not that bad”, Alex spew out.

“is it?”, Maggie challanged her

“is what?, Alex narrowed her eyes and stared down at her

“not that bad?”, Maggie stated while crossing your arms, “you really just don’t want to go to pride right now, with no other reason or thing you are upset about?”

“Well im sorry im not little miss Sunshine all the time just like Kara”, Alex scoffed sarcastically.

But Maggie saw the defense as a sign. Alex felt attacked and judged. This was all just covering up that Maggie was actually making her feel worse and she had to try hard not to hate herself for that. She rubbed her forehead and sighed, giving herself a minute to think while Alex stared at her. 

Maggie thought for a second Alex was going to kiss her with this building tension between them, but the agent luckily seemed to refrain from distracting Maggie. It made Maggie think that she did actually wanted to go to pride and maybe just wanted someone to see her, all of her, apart from her sexual identity.

“What I am trying to say Alex, is that you don’t have to feel happy all the time, I don't expect that from you. I don’t expect you to feel anything and you can feel everything and being gay does not mean that people expect you to be happy all the time now”.

“it is okay to tell me how you feel and it is okay to open up to me and to tell me how you feel. It is okay to consider how you feel about yourself and what you feel for yourself, without feeling bad or guilty or selfish about it”. 

“you don’t have to run from it anymore. And I think you know deep down that you are falling a little bit, that you have these spiralling moments”.

Alex averted her eyes and let them dart anywhere in the room except to Maggie.

“That pressure you just said, I don’t think that is just the pressure from your mom”. I think you need some help to voice how you feel because I see that you can’t, even to me. I think you wanna cry and I want you to feel like you can. And I don’t think you can do that now. I want you to love yourself Alex, and not only that you are gay, all of yourself”

And Alex finally couldn’t help herself anymore and let out a sob. She had been trying so hard to just listen to Maggie and then let it go but she couldn’t. Not anymore. Not while Maggie was describing more of how Alex felt than anyone ever has. She sobbed and sobbed and breathed heavy to try not to crumble completely to the ground. 

She felt incredibly self conscious, her mind telling her that she shouldn’t be seen like this. So she closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around herself but she couldn’t get the sobs and gasps to stop. 

“I dont think you will understand. I don’t think anyone will understand. Hell I don’t even understand it”, she spew out breathless

Alex let out a hollow chuckle.

“Here I am, after all that I’ve been through, all that we have been through, after all these months and I still don’t understand myself. “I still feel alone” she added the last part barely audible”

“The pressure, it hasn’t gone away. I still feel this horrible pressure on my chest, and this tugging at my throat. And right now it is making me so uncomfortable I cannot….. I just can’t…. I am a grown woman and i cannot get myself out of that door right now Maggie”, Alex rambled exasperatedly while silent tears dripped down her voice. Alex angry wiped them.

“this, pride, it is a scam”. And then she whispered: “I will always be alone”. “no one will ever understand me” before she completely broke down. Before she crumbled to the floor before Maggie, Maggie barely being able to slow her down as she saw Alex trying to make herself as small as possible.

“No, listen to me Alex” Maggie tried to sooth her, wrapping her arms around her soothingly but Alex pushed her away, leaving Maggie to only lie one hand on her foot softly to show her that she was here.

“this is your mind telling you this, because you feel bad, it isn’t real”. “you are not alone, I am right here, Kara is right outside waiting for us to show her support… and your mom and j’onn. We all promised you this when we came out remember?”

The blob that was Alex nodded barely

“I think you have a lot of other, mental health problems and qualities that you haven’t quite figured out yet”. 

“I think you get really triggered, by planes, by hard sounds and you don’t let yourself. You don’t acknowledge how long you have been fighting and you don’t let yourself be afraid. I think you find it hard to see this and every part of you that is imperfect and flawed and still love yourself. 

"I think you are still not willing to see a lot of who you are. You see who you are as a sister and protector but you are also a woman….. and someone who has a lot of communicating issues and maybe PTSD but doesn’t know how to take care of herself so doesn’t get tested”. 

And I think there are a million other, good and perfectly flawed things about you that you never even thought about because you are wonderful and were always taking care of others and simply didn’t know any better”

“And I know you think this is a bad word but it is not. What you just described, the pressure, it comes the closest to anxiety. Which is different from stress and you need help for that Alex”. “but that is okay”, “i am still going to be there and i’m still going to love you”. It is a mental health condition and that is nothing to be ashamed of”. “And so yes, all those weird feelings, that spiraling that goes on in that beautiful head of yours”, there are people who will understand, who can help you label it.

If you tell me, I will always help you figure it out”.  
“But until you can be proud of every part of yourself, until you can get some help, until you feel comfortable sharing all that you are and all that you feel, I will be proud of you”.  
“Alex you have come so so far, you have grown so much and so much more than I ever could have expected from you when I met you all those months ago”. 

“I got a beautiful, smart, gay girlfriend who had the guts to face herself and let her world be turned around, no matter what age your were. You have fought and struggled and trust me, it wasn’t any different for you just because you were older than me, we have all been there, all had those doubtful moments, be proud”.

“So let’s now just snuggle up on the couch and try to still your mind a little?”

“Mags”, Alex was hugging her knees now and looking at her. “I think I still wanna go”, “but i wanna stop talking now”. “before I turn more red than that tomato”, Alex added with a shy smile.

“okay, see, you are already telling me what you want” Maggie added playfully. 

“But you aren’t just doing this for me?” Maggie had to ask

Alex looked shy at that. “I don’t want you to miss pride”. “but do i think i would want to go if I didn’t feel so overwhelmed”, she added softly.

“Thats okay baby” Maggie played with her hair to soothe Alex. “Let’s just take it one step at a time, don’t push okay”.

Alex nodded shyly and clearly doubted for a second before she said softly: “I think I wanna avoid the big crowd Mags, if that’s okay with you?”

And Maggie smiled so proudly that she almost didn’t feel guilty.

And so they did, they celebrated on Lena’s roof, where they could see all the pride celebrations but weren’t actually in between all the people. Kara looked weirdly and asked Alex why she didn’t want to celebrate with everyone. 

Maggie was about to shake her head when Alex whispered almost inaudibly that she thinks she might be slightly claustrophobic, something she had also had as a kid. Maggie thinks she never felt this proud at pride before. They are not there yet, but Alex tries, and it makes Maggie the happiest lesbian on earth.

So they drink and laugh all evening at the balcony. bowls of Sangria and lemonade are drunk through out the evening and they mess around with water. While they are drying up and drinking some water to sober up and watch the pride parade, Kara hesitantly comes in with some rainbow paint. Maggie lets Kara paint with the rainbow marker everywhere while Alex watches shyly, feet shuffling from a distance. 

Eventually Maggie goes to her and rubs her neck, something she knows Alex finds very calming.  
“do you know why this stresses you out” Maggie asks softly as Alex relaxes and closes her eyes. She looks beautiful in her red baggie hoodie and Maggie can’t help but push a small kiss against her lips. When she pulls back, Alex smiles surprised and her eyes finally start to look fuller.

“can you paint me?” she asks softly.

And so they have a wonderful pride. They mess around with Kara and Lena with the pride paint constantly laughing and trying to reach each empty spot of skin. Maggie never felt more like she had a family. She notices Alex slowely keeps coming closer and closer to Maggie till their sides are touching slightly and Maggie just lets her, while their laughter slows down.

“thank you”, Alex whispered, “for grounding me”

And they both think they are completely comfortable now, happy. Both thinking this moment is perfect, their own little pride with their friends supporting them, messing around and with each other.

“I like pride with you”, Alex mumbled.

Maggie smiles.”Well thank you for being you”

“happy pride Alex”, Maggie whispers as she feels Alex starting to feel asleep against her side, her first pride having completely worn her out.

(5268)


End file.
